Enthusiasm

So many lies. So much negativity. What has fealt like almost daily drama all stemming from the lies of one individual. One individual who I thought I trusted above everyone else. Someone who I listened daily as the daily pulse of the guild. A pathalogical liar on such a distinct level that some psychologists would love to study. All of this has crashed down in what’s fealt like a roller coaster of emotion in the last week. Finally after enough lies all of us started sharing stories, confirming lies upon lies upon lies. First we started with obvious mundane ones, then we worked up to complicated hurtful lies. The straw that broke the camel’s back was the one that damaged the character of multiple members of our guild. So many people are hurt by this that many of us drank ourselves to sleep last night. What’s so horrible about it all is how long we let it continue. We didn’t want to believe it at first, but eventually you break down and it’s all over after that.

The first time I approached him about one of his most disturbing lies which ran for several months. He rationalized all of it and then cried to Robin that I had ‘pegged him’ unfairly as a liar. The second chance was last night when all the officers tried an intervention, but again he simply rationalized all the lies and used his “illness” as a crutch. He also called everyone liars for pointing out he was a liar, that the reasons why our stories he told us didn’t match is because we were lying to each other. So for the protection of this guild, we have decided he needed to be removed from the guild.

Fact is he’s manipulative in the worst way. He gains your confidence through niceities only to later abuse your trust in him. Amanda warned me of this behavior 4 months ago, I didn’t believe her then, I believed him after all the lies he told about her. So many lies… so many lies.

At a certain point it’s easier for you to accept CRAZY outlandish stories to be true because that’s easier for the mind to accept than to believe someone would be crazy enough to make such outlandish stories about someone. It’s easy to believe someone is unstable rather than believe that someone is telling stories about someone being unstable. Crazy stuff. Last night I pretty much had to drink myself to sleep over all this crap. What’s worse of all is that this is the first time I’ve had to blatently kick someone our of our organization that didn’t want to go. We knew he would continue on telling lies and not leave, several people hurt involved in his latest lies demanded he be kicked. So it was done.

At this point we are in a healing phase. We’re working through all the lies he told to each other, forgiving each other for being mad at each other over falsehoods. We’re breaking down the walls of mistrust and the aura of tension that was created by him every day. The amount of pain I’m feeling over this is on the level of my xwife when I finally called it quits with her. I learned nothing, hopefully going forward I’ll be different. Maybe that’s good, maybe that’s bad. I doubt people’s truths now. I doubt my own thoughts. I wonder what of my thoughts are my own? What of my thoughts are put there by the suggestions of other people? I have an internal struggle that will only be healed with time. Thankfully I have 100+ people (online and IRL) who care for me and 1 less person who will be bringing me down day to day.

Expect me to begin writing in my journal again. My head has been a mess. Maybe if I wrote I would have figured this stuff out sooner. Writing for me is very theraputic.