Programmer, Analyst, Learner, Leader, Gamer

My brain is out of control. I don’t know what I’m doing. I think the root of it all is my health. I think deep down I have no real control over my illness, so I’m trying to make everything right. I’m trying to make everything perfect and complete because this is one aspect of myself that I can’t fix myself, not directly so I feel out of control and I’m trying to medicate myself by making everything else perfect. When those things don’t go as planned I take it extra hard.

Is this what depression is like? Feeling out of control and redirecting my own misunderstood emotions onto other things? I’m used to maybe obsessing a little bit about WoW, but not to the degree I have been. I am getting depressed over the lack of coordination and getting upset at raids for no decent reason. This isn’t like me. I’m obssessing over things that normally I don’t care about, or if I do, it’s not to this degree. My brain is so scrabled now that I can’t focus on school, as a result I’m WAY behind on my math class (which is self-paced). I’m obssessing over my financials. I’m obssessing over a my house plans. I’m obsessing about Kerrie, about “us”. I’m obssessed with helping Kerrie with her business. I want to help her launch her website and get wrapped up in making her business launch “perfect”. I’ve started obssessing about my weight. What ever random thought enters my brain I start obssessing about it and I can’t stop until I redirect my attention to something else.

I’m not acting like myself and I think my parents are seeing it and being all worried. My dad brought me coffee yesterday, in the middle of the evening, which is not… normal. How do I break this cycle. Do I shut everything off? Do I shut half the things off in my life right now? Do I need to spend a night just lost in my own self thought? Am I going crazy? I’m sneezing again (my weird self defense mechanism), this tells me how worried I am about this subject. Sigh… I’m confused.

There’s a big difference between 10 man raiding and 25 man raiding. Gruul’s lair is trial by fire to get a guild used to 25 man raiding. It’s not like back in the ZG days where everyone got used to 20 man raiding with lots of pulls to be done with lots of mobs to get used to the concept of “OMFG, I’m a healer and I can’t just watch 2 people’s health bars.” Yes, raiding as a healther especially is the most difficult job anyone can undergo. This is something that is going to put a strain on some of our less experienced members. The problem with Gruul’s lair is it doesn’t allow the raid to develop any level of cohesion. 2 pulls then a boss that’s proabably the single most chaotic boss fight I’ve ever seen. It makes Moroes look simple (which it is simple). I think the only way we’re going to get the guild used to 25-man raiding is to seriously just push people in there and keep trying. Unfortunately I don’t think we’re ready for it. Our healers need to build more confidence in Kara before they can be mentally ok with a wipe fest. I feel bad for Gnar as well because his repair bills are going to be nuts though all this.
I’m contemplating taking our healers to AV an spending some time introducing them to 40 man wack-a-mole. Once they get used to the stress of 40 man healing, 25 man healing will feel like a breeze.

Finally the data entry is finished. Not only 197 pieces entered, but all the labels for them printed out, all bracelets and necklaces are labeled, and pictures taken of all of them. After we were done Kerrie checked out the pictures and it turns out a lot of the Necklaces are REALLY over light saturated. This sucks because she has to re-take all the pictures, at least the most important ones. Suffice to say those pieces are ready for sell though which is a HUGE improvement over yesterday. The only thing left that has to happen before Saturday is taking pictures of and labeling all the earrings. We have the labels printed, it’s just a matter of getting through it all now.

Took a drive to Ikea today. No, not to Seattle, but the new one here in Portland. Took my time as apposed to the first time I went with Kerrie where we were in and out in an hour, I spent 4 hours in there basking the in wonderment of the place. I figured out that I could outfit and entire house with the ideal stuff I wanted at around 5,000. This means that other than the little to no downpayment I’m planning for my first house, I only have to save 5K toward filling the house with stuff.

Both groups are clearing nicely through Kara. We 1-shot Big Bad Wolf tonight (after attempting a new run strategy), 1-shot Curator, and 1-shot Shade of Aran. We brought in Slonata for shoulders on Chess and a pair of healing chain boots had to rot. Oh well. Fact is that the guild is gearing up TWICE as fast as it has been. Team B got blocked at Curator due to lack in DPS, but I think they should return tomorrow and do nicely. Good times.

I told my doctor how things were going with my drugs and he agreed based on my continued symptoms and the degree of them that the drugs aren’t working. In his mind I should have already been coming off the drugs, so since it’s not working he gave me two options.

Remicade which is an IV Infusion once every two months.

or

Azathioprine which is a once daily drug.

Both achieve ths same thing but work differently. Both have possible long term side affects. Both potentially I’m going to have to take for the rest of my life. One requires at first weekly blood tests then blood tests monthly because there are possible blood complications, marrow complications, liver, and paceras complications. The other has long term risk of never being able to come off of it. Both have increased risk of Lymphoma. One has been around for about 5 years, the other 10+ years. One I have to take for 3 months to see results and during that time I’ll have to take a systemic steroid, the other works within days of taking it.

There is no easy answer… but I must decide. I’m leaning toward the Remicade.

First attempt it didn’t even happen. Second attemp wasn’t balanced and group 2 failed misserably. Third attempt we were balanced and got the job done. Group A 1-shot Attumen, Moroes, and Maiden, wiped a few times on Big Bad Wolf and called it a night. Group B 1-shot Attumen and Moroes (after an accidental pally fear out of the room). So far things are going smoothly except one or two problem people who QQ’ed about not making either team. I don’t want people to sit out, that’s why I’m pushing for 2 teams in the first place. Don’t further QQ when you don’t make the cut of 20 people. /sigh

Woke up this morning in a full body sweat. My hair was soking wet and I had a fever. I emailed in sick and spent the day recouperating. Did a little bit of Math homework and spent some time in WoW. I got a nasty head ache and had to take a nap before picking up Kerrie. Before the evening was over we did end up entering 3 more necklaces and like 15 or 20 earrings.

Yet another first for Hit it. Illhoof is down in two attempts tonight. The first attempt was a first for a lot of people. We re-worked our strategy a bit and then went back in and downed him. After Illhoof we faced Nightbane and I don’t think honestly that we will be coming back to him for a while. With all this success I think it’s good that we’re starting back the dual Karazhan again next week. We’ve progressed, not it’s time to farm gear so more people are gearing up for Gruul’s and what not.

Before today Kerrie had 15 pieces entered into her jewelry software. A sad sampling of her pieces with not even a light at the end of the tunnel with finishing the data entry. Now she has Every single necklace and bracelet entered, some earrings, and only around 40-50 earrings to enter. The earrings that aren’t entered yet are organized, sorted, and numbered, those numbers entered into the database so now it’s just filling in the holes. The cool thing is this is the first time she’s had an accurate count of how many pieces she has. I’m so excited for her.