Jul 31 2007
Out of control?!?
My brain is out of control. I don’t know what I’m doing. I think the root of it all is my health. I think deep down I have no real control over my illness, so I’m trying to make everything right. I’m trying to make everything perfect and complete because this is one aspect of myself that I can’t fix myself, not directly so I feel out of control and I’m trying to medicate myself by making everything else perfect. When those things don’t go as planned I take it extra hard.
Is this what depression is like? Feeling out of control and redirecting my own misunderstood emotions onto other things? I’m used to maybe obsessing a little bit about WoW, but not to the degree I have been. I am getting depressed over the lack of coordination and getting upset at raids for no decent reason. This isn’t like me. I’m obssessing over things that normally I don’t care about, or if I do, it’s not to this degree. My brain is so scrabled now that I can’t focus on school, as a result I’m WAY behind on my math class (which is self-paced). I’m obssessing over my financials. I’m obssessing over a my house plans. I’m obsessing about Kerrie, about “us”. I’m obssessed with helping Kerrie with her business. I want to help her launch her website and get wrapped up in making her business launch “perfect”. I’ve started obssessing about my weight. What ever random thought enters my brain I start obssessing about it and I can’t stop until I redirect my attention to something else.
I’m not acting like myself and I think my parents are seeing it and being all worried. My dad brought me coffee yesterday, in the middle of the evening, which is not… normal. How do I break this cycle. Do I shut everything off? Do I shut half the things off in my life right now? Do I need to spend a night just lost in my own self thought? Am I going crazy? I’m sneezing again (my weird self defense mechanism), this tells me how worried I am about this subject. Sigh… I’m confused.