Programmer, Analyst, Learner, Leader, Gamer

Every Valentine I’ve been with one woman or another who expected way too much from the day and regardless of what can be done, said, or bought could ever be good enough. This Valentine’s Day I’m single and I’m damn happy about it. No woman to bring me down or make me feel like I’m a horrible uncaring man, when of course the opposite is the truth. If you need one day to prove you love someone whatever day that is anniversary, valentine’s day, or anyone, then you probably don’t. You shouldn’t need a special occasion to feel special about someone or recognize someone feels special toward you.

So as I enjoy my after work, Tuesday evening glass of wine. I sit here a little contemplative, very relaxed, and quite cynical about this Hallmark Holiday. I swear I will never celebrate this day the way “normal people” do ever again, woman in my life or not.

I now know how women feel when some nasty smelling guy comes over and dances near them. It doesn’t matter how hot he is, if he’s smells like nasty sweat then it’s just not sexy. Tonight I went to Aura and was having a damn good time. I even had like 4 pretty cool women dancing with me up on the stairs. Then all of a sudden this decently sexy black woman comes over with a jean skirt one and my nasal passages have never been more assaulted in my entire life. She smells like dirty nasty period plus a hint of sex. It was so bad I had to leave the entire area and I could smell it (as I’m sure everyone else could) who was anywhere near the stairs, even downstairs.

So ladies and germs, please not just for me but for the rest of mankind… just say YES to soap. Especially if you’re going out to a public place where people get hot and sweaty.

I’m in an odd mood. Maybe I want to go out and meet people. Maybe I’m just in the mood to have dinner out and enjoy a cup of coffee sitting on my laptop at the 24H Starbucks in Beaverton. I’m not sure but I do know I don’t want to be home right now. I’ve yet to find anything entertaining to do. All I do know is I’m hungry. After dinner I’ll probably feel better and hit Starbucks for a while. Maybe till midnight or possibly later.

EDIT: Feeling great after some good Italian food, chilling at Starbucks right now enjoying a 1% Venti Vanilla Latte. I got the comfiest chair in the place in the corner where I can sit, listen to my music, and people watch. MWUhahaha

I’m very impressed at the progress I’ve made recently. It’s amazing once you start to really truly analyze yourself, you break down the mental programming, realizing it’s false, and re-frame yourself. Once that process starts it’s almost like a snow ball effect. You start to see the impact in your life that the re-framing makes and then it just re-affirms what you’ve been saying to yourself and makes it more and more profound. Within the last 2 days I’ve had 5 random conversations with women in passing without even trying, it just came so naturally I didn’t even realize “hey I’m talking to a women naturally and she’s smiling and flirting with me” till after I had walked away. I’m proud of my progress, I’m finally not only getting it, but really on a deep subconscious level getting it to the point I’m getting unconscious competent results.

Let me share with you some of my recent studies into male psychology and my analysis of my own social programming. There are 4 combinations of being Dominant or Submissive plus a Lover or Provider. This chart below kind of explains it in a nutshell and for me this was quite profound. [PDF]

I believe all my life (how 90% of the average American male who were raised primarily by their mother) I was raised to be a good provider and how to strive for long-term relationships by “treating a lady”. This upbringing (no offense to my mom if she reads this, she had the best intentions) creates a Submissive Provider mentality which is your average “Nice Guy” or “Ass Kisser”. I think I was programmed to be a “Nice Guy”.

My goal: Dominant Lover. I control the cards. I make the rules, I do the choosing of what women I want to be with. I hold the power and don’t give power to women. I focus on myself and do what I want to do and if women fall in line with MY reality, then so be it. I am an exciting person to be with. I am a social person. I am a natural PEOPLE magnet both men and women alike.

All this said I believe there is the possible for 2 truly dominant people to have a very very healthy relationship. Honestly in my mind after doing a lot of thinking I think it is the healthiest of relationships. Both people independent and dominant never giving each other direct power, but at the same time coming to agreements to things while maintaining a balance of attraction vs dominance vs difference of opinions. The best analogy for this is 2 magnets of equal polarity moving apart from each other but a rubber band holding them together. I guess the polar opposite to this kind of relationship would be two submissive people leeching off each other’s energies. There’s a term for that kind of relationship that I can’t think of right now. I tried explaining this to my friend Josh at lunch and my friend Kerrie at dinner and they just didn’t get it. *sigh* At least it all makes sense in my head.

Projection is the act of projecting one’s on personal believes and social misconceptions onto others. I think this is my giant overall problem with not only meeting women but with being the social animal I want to be. I believe that if I’m by myself I don’t like to be bothered, I don’t like strangers talking to me, I want to be alone if I am. I project these beliefs onto others and because of this I feel uncomfortable talking to random strangers. There is also the old social programming of your parents to “not speak to strangers” that as an adult you have to battle that ancient social programming instilled into you. I need to work on this aspect of myself before I think I’ll ever truly “get it” and have a chance meeting and dating women who “get it”.

I decided to setup my MySpace since I have friends who are on MySpace only and not LiveJournal. I plan on keeping up with my LiveJournal mainly and only maintaining MySpace’s non blog related information like the friends list, music favorites, basic info, etc. I don’t like how MySpace isn’t that customizable, but /shrug.

This evening I spent reconnecting with a friend who over the last month and a half I almost completely lost touch with. If I didn’t bounce back to reality as I did, I might have lost his friendship forever. I have shit on him so many times over and over recently. As a result I’m having a hard time even accepting what I’ve done, though I do recognize it and recognized it at the time but put myself in denial. I can only hope my appology tonight was more than enough for him to forgive me. I need to not let women get in between me and my best friend. I’ve done it twice now and if it happens a third time I’ll lose the only true friend who’s stuck around through thick and thin. I have an obsessive personality and I get sucked into something and even when I see it destroying parts of me I have a hard time detaching from something I’ve become attached to. I think as part of finally ditching my long term obsession with EQ, I’ve seen how easy it is to eject unhealthy obsessions in my life. I feel like I’ve rewound myself back several months back to when I started the dating guru’s path and before I got sucked into something I never should have gotten sucked into in the first place. I hate to burn bridges but on some level I need to keep some kind of distance from what I’ve been obsessed with. Alcoholics just don’t work in bars if you know what I mean.

I’d like to share a little bit of music I heard the other day and I can’t stop listening to it: She Wants Revenge - Tear You Apart. I’ve shared this music with several people and they all agree that it is the most amazing, sexual, primal song they’ve heard in a long time. P.S. You can get the radio version for FREE on iTunes.

Tear You Apart

Got a big plan, this mindset maybe its right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
And the whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait nevermind

Late night, and passing, mention it flipped her
Best friend, who knows saying maybe it slipped
But the slip turns to terror and a crush to light
When she walked in, he throws up, believe its the fright

Its cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, your knees get weak
An escape is just a nod and a casual wave
Obsessed about it, heavy for the next two days

It’s only just a crush, it’ll go away
It’s just like all the others it’ll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don’t know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

Then he walked up and told her, thinking that he’d passed
And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare

They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions when you’re dating in school
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last

Either way he wanted her and this was bad
He wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart

Now that you have an idea of my emotional state based on my current music let me tell you what I’ve been thinking recently… women of course have been on my mind. Specifically I’ve been thinking about what I like and don’t like about women. What really is my type? What am I looking for in a woman? What do I see in my women friends that I like, what do I see that I don’t like?

So in the spirit of the new year I’m going to take the advice of a dating guru. He says that to truly be successful with women you have to give up something. Something that is probably holding you back. With me I think it’s that I really truly need to stop caring what women think. A small example was 2 women recently told me I need to stop saying “Good times”. Which recently I’ve been really positive and saying “Good times” when I’ve been happy. Well why should I stop because it bugs someone? I should be happy I’m being so positive. I didn’t care what people thought on new years and I got the biggest success with a woman I have EVER. I was on the ball, the life of the party, I made sure all my friends were having a good time, and in the end I kissed a hot little brunette and got her phone number. I’m not one who can usually just get phone numbers like that but things just clicked and I made happen what I wanted to happen.

To bring this journal post back full circle. I’m going to use this song “Tear you apart” as my anthem for taking what I want. If I find a women I find attractive, I’m going to go for it, not pussy around, and tear her apart. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection? Who cares right? I’m here for results. So I’m going to be positive and take what I want and if they don’t want me, at least I tried.

So even though it was last minute, I still got into the 15th Annual Champagne Ball. It was a fantastic, high class good time. I ended up having 4 completely different drinks at the Martini Bar and of course the classic glass of champagne at Midnight. The best part was that there was a very cute tiny brunette named Melissa which I successfully got my first New Years midnight kiss (her first too). 15 seconds before midnight I gestured with my hands and worded with my mouth *you*, *me*, *kiss* and she nodded and worded “oooohhh hell yeah”. It just wasn’t any kiss, it was a fantastic, tongue and all kiss for a good 30 seconds. She and I seem to have quite a bit in common, hell while we were in line for our glasses of champagne we stood there and chatted about hand held pc’s like the next generation Treo. After the whole midnight celebration we went back to our table, chatted, grabbed pizza, and she sat on my lap. She had to leave about 1:00 with Matt and his wife, but I got her number and she gave me a kiss on cheek the saying to me, “You really made my new years the best ever”. Interesting side thought, I am beginning to realize what I thought was my type isn’t. I mean for example I used to seriously be hung up on height, but I’m really more and more eyeballing the sexy numbers in tiny packages.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
1. Stick to my workout, my midsection is the last place to refine
2. Quit EverQuest (Time is money friend. EQ is a BIG waste of time)
3. Actually figure out what I like/dislike about women and write it down
4. Don’t care what women think and make success with them happen for me
5. Get my MCAD because I deserve that cert
6. Focus on my career and get the pay I deserve